Busy Hands

Deaf Child VS Deaf Adult

2008-02-06T08:32:00.001-08:00

Yes it has been ages since my last post. The vlog will explain my absence a bit. Unfortunately the vlog is quite blurry so I'm not sure how much you will be able to understand :\ But I'm including a transcription though... Eventually I'll have to figure how to make my webcam work better... or get a better one? I was pretty excited about this vlog because it shows how much my signing has improved since moving back to Canada and being around more people who sign, and it was the first time I just went ahead and made a vlog and didn't freak out if I made a mistake. Usually it takes me like 50 times to get a vlog out without any mistakes, heh.

I made this vlog three months ago:

Transcription:

Hello, Hello! I haven't vlogged in a long time because I recently moved back to Canada, about three months ago. I lived in Texas but just moved back to Canada in BC. I've been really busy. New job, new home... Seeing my family for the first time in a long time, meeting friends, etc.

Anyway, I finally set my webcam up again, and have been thinking about how I'd like to vlog about how I have been pondering on the past.... thinking about my experiences growing up as a deaf person in a hearing world.

One moment *drinks tea* *points at tea* Good tea!

When I was little, I was very open, I didn't really notice how different I was from my hearing friends. Yeah I was deaf but I really didn't care or put much thought into it. I'd basically just go up to people and be like "Hi my name is Zoée, want to be friends?!" I spent a lot of time playing and having fun. I never really got nervous about how people would react to me being deaf. I simply didn't care. For example, I moved from school to school several times and was mainstreamed... Meaning that I was the only deaf student. I remember how on the first day of school, I would show up and announce that my name was Zoée and that I was deaf without any signs of discomfort or insecurity. It simply was never a big deal to me.

But as I grew up and became a teenager, somehow things changed... slowly but surely changed. I think the biggest thing was how communication became more important. You don't really spend all your time playing anymore. You need to communicate and that's when I really started to notice a difference. Of course, writing to people was easy for me to do. No problem, but... I think a part of it is that there's bigger groups of teenagers getting together. Conversing. Doing things together. Being bad....whatever... being rebels haha. Anyway... In a group, that's where I feel deaf. One on one, I can write and we understand each other fine. But in a group with everyone conversing, I'm lost. I cannot understand what everybody is saying. One on one, fine. Group conversations... I can't understand, I feel disconnected, not involved... That's where I really notice that I'm different from them. I can't join the group conversation... I can't lip read or speak. That's when I really notice that I'm different and am unsure of what to do. I was unsure how to deal with that. I kept trying and trying but noticed how a lot of people seemed to not really care about involving me in the group. They did not bother telling me what was being discussed. Which was just an awkward experience for me, to sit there and watch people gab away and being completely clueless. My self esteem took a nose dive. I didn't know how to show them who I was... I felt insecure. I eventually felt like what's the point? Why bother going out with groups of people if they won't converse with me? I started to think that it was better to just go home instead of spending time with a group of people because I wasn't able to communicate in a group setting. I began to decline going out and stayed home a lot more. When I was about seventeen or eighteen, I realized one day that I barely even went out anymore. I declined a lot of opportunities to meet new people. I was too nervous, I didn't know how to communicate, I felt that it was too hard, I was also nervous of how they would react to my deafness. I didn't want to be seen as different. So i preferred to hide as much as I possibly could. Well, I still had one on one outings and conversations, but I avoided group outings as much as I could. Same with new people. I would only spend time with old friends.

That's what I noticed... My child self and my adult self... What a difference! As a child... I played all the time, I was happy, I had fun, I was careless etc. As an adult I declined, I stayed home, I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to be different, I was scared. The extreme difference between the two is just sad.

A few years ago, I decided that I needed to start going out more often, and meet new people again. I had to realize that yes I'm deaf, but that's fine, nothing is wrong with that. I had to accept that, yes I still can't understand group conversations, but that's fine. I have to make the best of it. This is my life. If i keep hiding, I would not see much out there. So i should just go "Oh well, I can't understand group conversations, but... so what? Move on." I still do struggle at times when I find myself thrown into a group setting and there's a group conversation occurring. I feel all awkward and unable to contribute/communicate. What I do in those situations though is to try to not think too much about it and focus on one-on-one conversations with several people while the group is conversing. No more focusing on the negative but focus on the positive instead. I'm trying to be more like what I was when I was a child instead of what I was like as a teenager/young adult.

The one thing I recently realized, if i continue to avoid conversing with new hearing people, it would show them... well hearing people who look at me as the only experience they have with deaf people... they would notice how I'm quiet and avoid interacting with people... They would go "So that's Zoée and she's deaf... but she's really quiet and kind of strange." They wouldn't have much to say about me because I don't provide anything positive. Instead if I'm assertive and approach them and explain that they will have to write to me in order to communicate etc. They would then look at me differently like "So that's Zoée, and she's deaf... She's really nice and friendly!" Basically if I give something positive, I will get a positive reaction back more often than not.

It's interesting though, how while growing up, your view on yourself, and your deafness really changes. I wonder if you all have had similar experiences or was it different for you? Go ahead and make a vlog about it, tell me about it...

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It has been difficult for me to keep this blog going because I don't always have something Deaf-related to discuss. These days my thoughts are mostly about bicycling and food. I've been getting really into bicycling everyday, and also getting involved with the local foods movement, and finding a balance between local foods and eating mostly vegan. I'm trying to get back into fibre art and there's just so much on my mind. I want to try and do more vlogs though, just to express myself through my hands/face/body, and I can't say the vlogs will always be about being Deaf and whatnot. I will most likely blabble on about other things that I have been thinking about. I just need to figure this damned webcam out!

Interview with my deaf grandmother!

2007-03-24T03:07:00.000-07:00

I interviewed my grandmother several months ago about her experiences as a deaf person growing up in a different time than it is for us deaf youngsters. I thought her answers were really interesting and she has such cute stories that she adds. Hope you enjoy.

Where and when were you born?
Nova Scotia, 1932

Were there any deaf members in your immediate family [excluding me of course]?
No, but rumor was my granny (my father's Mother) seemed slightly hard of hearing and often answering-EH! and usually comments to her were repeated often. She was deaf in her old age and died at 91. Although my cousin Eddie in NS. (my mom's nephew) has a grand-daughter who lost her hearing very young around 2 yrs of age from meningitis, and is around 12 or so yrs of age now.

How old were you when your parents realized you were deaf & how did they realize that?
Parents noticed a change in me after I had my tonsils & adenoids removed at 3 1/2 but did not associate it with the operation. I'd always told people I couldn't hear good since the operation & thought people were playing games with me by whispering. Then at 7 yrs of age, I went to regular school (convent) for grades 1 & 2, but the sister (nun) kept moving me from the back to the middle, finally the 1st desk in front, so she guessed I couldn't hear well.

One day when I was 9 years old, I was making mud pies under my neighbour's tree. Her visitor who was a teacher of the deaf came up behind me talking until she was next to me & I was startled & jumped & she nodded & may have been in touch with my parents, later. Probably the whole village guessed I didn't hear well.

What did your parents decide to do once you were deaf?
So to find out for sure, my Father took me to an ear Doctor for tests. The Dr. stood behind me and talking in a normal voice asked whats 4 x 2 =? and i didn't hear or couldn't make out what he said. He kept raising his voice until I was able to give answers to the sums. He said Yes, she is hearing impaired and thought it was on-going and I'd probably been very slowly losing my hearing all along gradually that nobody noticed and probably the operation helped move it along a bit more and it was now noticeable.

In September, I went by train with the teacher to the school for the Deaf in Halifax, Nova Scotia. as a boarder in 1941 and arrived at night while the kiddies, ages 6-10 were sleeping in their dorm. The school matron showed me my bed, and noticing I was hesitant to undress, turned her back to me to give me privacy and I undressed so fast my clothes were practically flying everywhere and got into my pyjamas before you could blink an eye.

What did you think of the deaf students at the school when you first got there?

Next morning a deaf teen (mother) woke me up with a gesture & a smile---"up". I saw all the other kids had a "mother", too. They helped dress the very small ones and we were led to the bathroom. Then downstairs to our large sitting room full of tables, chairs shelves of toys, books, and games till it was time (not a long wait) to go down another floor (basement level) to the large dining room , We filed down the stairs beginning with the smallest child and ended with the tallest ones.

Once there, I found more girls, pre-teens and older teens who had dorms a floor above our dorm. So far no one talked to me yet then I noticed the children waving their hands, while smiling and making gestures but not talking. I thought to my self, they can't talk. Hmm! I pondered over that and saw they would tap each other for attention and realized they could not hear either and thought ohhh, I'm in the wrong school, still not realizing I myself was deaf too.

I thought the teacher who brought me there made a mistake and Mom & Dad don't know. Wait until I tell them, and they will arrange to move me to the right school, not realizing I won't see them until the end of June. But I was not upset, just curious and watched and before I knew it not even a month I understood them and was communicating in sign language myself. I was happy & having fun on the large swings, slides, sled coasting on the very steep hills in winter plus the skating rink. It's true that children learn & adjust or adapt to new situations & languages fast. Meanwhile I met 3 girls my age just like me with some hearing and we talked and signed together with the other children, but they lived in the city and went home on the weekends.

How was it when you would visit your family during summers?

In June, going home with my uncle and aunt by car for 2 months visit that 1st year, I was not sure if I could just walk in so I knocked on the front door, while they waited in the car. No answer, I looked back at them not wanting them to leave yet, just in case. I knocked again,& my Mom opened the door, smiled happily saying come in and called out to 2 of my sisters near my age, come say Hello to her. She's been away a long time & the older had to be coaxed.

Life at home was not the same as before I went away. so I was shy of them. The younger sister, by 1 & 1/2 yrs and I played together with no problem and the older one talked more to her & was resentful because I went to boarding school, as she was into reading children's novels one titled "Nancy goes to Boarding School", and the story was exciting so she thinks parents favor me, forgetting it's for deaf children.

It did make life a little tough for me, for example they took turns spinning the skipping rope, & jumping. I was allowed to only turn the rope, no skipping yet but with promises I'll have a chance next turn, then told No, next time again & again until I screamed with frustration after turning the rope like almost an hour which wasn't fun as I never got to skip.

What are your few most favorite memories about the school you attended?

The Easter, xmas & valentine parties where boys & girls mingled & the 1st time I ever tasted delicious Christmas plum pudding, as once in a while during the war years, lots of us didn't go home for Xmas. That 1st year we gathered in the gym room to see piles of boxes from Santa on the stage. Each of us was called and when my name came up I went up and received a large parcel from Santa (Mom & Dad). On opening it, found toys, books, games and some clothes.

Also fondly remember one evening weekly cooking & baking classes & we got to eat everything when done that evening. Entered at age 14, the Hobby show with all schools in the city and I won a trophy, 1st prize, senior girl's champion 1946 for my baking, sewing and weaving. with the most points. Still have it but minus one handle.

Us young teens in a group of 8 or 10, huddled around a hot radiator in the sitting room and made up scary, spooky stories. The best one was from Dolly, a coloured girl, who made us so scared about ghosts, booing, sweeping, brushing past out faces while lunging at us with threatening looks... we would jump & snuggle together.

Being invited to a free movie at a local theatre or to the arena to watch Barbara Ann Scott skating. One xmas we were invited by a couple to their large house and we saw tracks & tracks of trains with blinking lights and all the works and the wife treated us to hot cocoa and cookies.

Me being crowned queen of the costume & skating competion in the school back yard. I dressed as hawaiian and made a grass skirt from an old potato sack, & one of the supervisors let me use some of her dark pancake makeup. and I had my picture taken. which I still have. We also had to show our skating skills while in our costumes round and round the school rink . I was about16 yrs old.

were the teachers at the school deaf as well?

The teachers were all hearing except Donald a former pupil who taught printing & shoe repairing to the boys after school hours We girls had a deaf sewing teacher who taught us to make clothes, darn socks (every Monday, when brought up from the laundry room) all belonging to the boys. and we made a fuss about them smelling if we came across a certain boy we were not fond of, (names were sewn in). also knitting. Plus a selected few including myself were chosen to learn to weave under another hearing teacher at a certain age, around 14.

Donald started teaching the slightly slower pupils in sign language only, as the hearing teachers couldn't quite reach them, and did a super job. The rest of us had oral instructions and lip read in classes & at other times blackboard writing.

Oh wow I never knew you went to an oral school, i always assumed you were taught in sign language instead of orally.

The aim or goal was to teach speech i think. so they had to hear the child using the speech sounds, then words in order to coach and correct them, during the first couple of years. Some children did learn to talk eventually, (but I'm pretty sure they could hear a tiny bit enough to pick up sounds, but not able to learn to talk by themselves).

Also the teachers used special effects and drawings of the head showing how the tongue is placed when making L, the, f and so on & how to blow on a feather, and placing of hands on throats, etc. It was done over and over until they got the right sound. Of course some children at deaf school never did learn speech but others did.

Donald, the deaf teacher's pupils were mostly bright but very poor lip readers or simply harder to teach. Maybe the hearing teachers were not expected to learn sign language before they were hired or knew how but were too slow or awkward.. Anyway the kids lipread pretty well and the teachers did not speak too fast and often wrote on the blackboard.

What did you do after you graduated?

After I graduated, my Father would not let me stay in the city and work at Moir's Chocolate Factory. In those days you had to be 21 before you could lead your own life. So I went back home & within 2 months I decided to work at the Woolen Mill where they had automatic weaving looms, but the manager was afraid to let a deaf person operate them as we would not hear when a problem started, also had automatic wool carding and spool winders, etc. But they wanted me to weave samples on a small hand weaving loom before a design was selected for the automatic looms. One time it was khaki for army uniforms. Another time a beautiful creamy yellow material of a lovely design was selected and cut and sewn together into a princess style coat and the Town presented it to the present Queen Elizabeth (back then, Princess Elizabeth & husband Prince Philip) when they visited our town after leaving Halifax, by train around 1951.

In between & more often I mended the materials after they were woven on the big machines.The rolls of cloth were put on 2 pulleys or bars and I would look them over until I came across a section that lost a thread which could be anywhere from a few inches to a couple of yards, studied the patterns and wove in the missing threads by hand using a large needle.

When we moved away to another town, I worked at the local bakery that made assorted cookies also chocolate mallows and even bread in another section down the hall, I worked like Lucille Ball did in her comedy, packing the cookies in a box except I did a great job and mine did not fall over the edge to a box below. I let some go because they were already broken.. They were packed quickly and easily by using both hands and pushing lets say 8 or 10 together like in a row and lifted that up by pressing hard and placed in the boxes. Sometimes we put boxes together and ready for packing.

We moved again and the only job I found was as a Mother's Helper with a lovely family. She treated me like a younger sister, having only brothers. While there, I bought a typewriter & took a typist course through correspondence school from a Vancouver University, and practiced in the evenings. I was graded by mail and a local high school graduate was appointed to time my word typing speed with a clock under her eye when she gave me the go ahead. Years later, it came in handy as I worked on key-punch jobs. (now called Data entry)

Two yrs later I went to Halifax & got a job hand weaving Nova Scotia tartans, mainly 12 lady's scarves or 10 men's scarves a day.

What were some of the frustrations you experienced while trying to fit in the hearing world?

I felt left out of circles, sometimes, I was shy anyway. People usually talked past me unless it was comments applied to me, but I always kept busy embroidering, reading, knitting, even sketching. My Mom always said I was an artist, but I did not pursue it, and of course I day-dreamed a lot. Felt lonely at times until I started going to dances with Marie a fellow worker at the wollen mill, who became a good friend, and I was always asked for a dance, polka, jive, swing and waltz.

Then my 2 sisters asked if they could come, 1st time for them. We went on both Fridays & Saturdays to the IODE one night and the Fire Hall the next night. It was fun to dance and socialize.

How old were you when hearing aids became available for deaf people?

While I attended the deaf school a brother and his sister arrived around 1945 & both wearing hearing aids. They were not slim and narrow like the ones of today or behind the ear, and the ear molds were hard. We called them rich kids because they could afford them.

One day my father came home from visiting his mom & said Granny bought you a hearing aid. It had long wires that got in my way. I carried it my pocket but the cacophony of sound was disturbing as I had no instructions and probably had it set too high. I could hear my own breathing, and footsteps sounded like elephants marching. The crackle of clothes moving & the breeze blowing on my hair near the hearing aid made sounds like Whoosh which drowned out the words when people spoke.

I found if I carried it in my hand it was better.One day we were on our way to the circus and a girl stared and asked what's is she carrying and was told it's an aid to help me hear more, and she was fascinated and asked me if I knew what they were saying, I answered yes, from the right ear only. We were still 2 blocks from the fair and I said I hear music and they told me it was from the circus. I wore it for a while until the battery went dead and could not find any in town at that time so the hearing aid ended in the drawer until we could order some batteries and was forgotten. I was around 14 yrs old then. I believe it went missing some how and I never wore it again, may be a young sibling played with it as we were a large family.

Bought 2 behind the ear aids when I was 24 and married. I found them a bit bulky and heavy. and they did not seem to work any better than the one I had yrs before. and after a while stopped using them too.

By the time I was around 35 and deafer and self conscious about misunderstanding many words and giving wrong answers like this joke "oh, you have new hearing aids, What kind is it? and the answer goes, "it's 2 o clock" Oops! I was truly ready for hearing aids and bought them and they were the best ever to come on the market and by 1983 traded them in for slimmer ones, same brand, When they wore out, bought another set, in 1998, in grey to match my hair.

How about your age when you got closed captioning?

For me, closed captioning was discovered around 1983. That was the beginning of my addiction to T.V. Hardly watched it before as I got so frustrated. My family got their 1st black and white set around 1954. It seemed to me they kept it at a whisper. Later when I first saw Elvis Presley, I wished the music was louder, but it was quite muted. and the only time I watched anything, it had lots of action. So when CC came out I enjoyed tv more, watched what my grand daughters liked, then later All my children soap opera and I was hooked, soon along came old rerun movies with added cc's which I could enjoy more than when shown years before.

Even with hearing aids, I need cc and always lip reading but some words are not clear when people talk to me so they have to spell the word especially on the phone or re-phrase them. It's hard work, so you struggle and feel personal distress. Some time people think I only hear when I want to which is wrong. Often I have to really concentrate if they slur their words or talk a mile a minute.

how old were you when you got your first TTD/TTY?

Hmm! I believe I got my minicom not long after I discovered CC. in the early 80's, It's a great way to communicate with other deaf people.. One day I would like a better one with built in printer that holds a roll of paper, great to check what the other person said at the other end after a long conversation for answers or when not able to remember what was said. but then maybe it is probably better just to use a computer nowadays, if person at the other end has one and using MSN.

How do you feel about sign language?

When one of my sisters watched my deaf grand daughter age 9 [me aka zoee] at that time and I communicate together on & on in signed english and I was saying each word also, so my sister would not be left out, she asked Do you actually have that many signs & I said sure, practically every word in the dictionary. It is definitely not just "Me Jane and You Tarzan", She was so impressed, even more so when my younger hearing 7 yr old grand daughter signed expertly too. Their mother urged every one to use Signed English and oral speech together for the deaf child's benefit. It's the reason to-day she is so fluent in english be it signed or written & clever besides.

[side note: Zoee here - I have to say that i don't think the fact that i signed in Signed English is the reason why i am fluent in English. Sure it didn't hurt, but I think I owe a lot of it to reading books, really [i was a total bookworm!], and i think i would be just as fluent if i was raised using ASL. But my grandma is old-fashioned and well that's just the way she thinks :) ]

The sign language in my time was MSL (Maritime Sign Language), with a blend of ASL and lots of finger spelling. The syntax of this language word order was subject, object then verb, when communicating with other deaf people. But there were some who used english when talking to a hearing person.

We were not self conscious about signing at all, and my younger sister and I used finger spelling as a secret code so no one knew what we said or just to show off! which was fun.
But in some small towns lately, I noticed some deaf people in a store using only a few gestures half hidden so as not to attract attention. In big cities in the east they are more open about it. Although I think the best place to use sign language is out in B.C. where the deaf are truly loved and accepted without question, it seems to me. And people eagerly take courses in sign language. I feel proud to sign in public

When or if somebody says they speak 2 languages, I mention I can also, which are signing and deaf/blind (finger spelling) on their hands. There were 2 deaf/blind girls with us at Deaf School besides a 3rd deaf/blind woman past middle age who lived there permanently year round. In the summer she had friends or relatives who had her for the summer months at their homes.
She spent a lot of time knitting. Once she made snuggie bloomers in a green color to keep warm in winter months when out doors. A school matron taught her and always fixed her dropped stitches.

That poor woman had a forehead full of permanent lumps and new bruises , caused by us girls when running and shoving the heavy steel door outward to run up or down the stairs, not knowing she's sometimes on the other side, feeling for the handle to open it on her way to the sitting room. Gosh, the guilt I felt when I did it once and never shoved the door again. I was more cautious as I just ached for her.She would clutch her head and cry & cry. Oh My! that was awful.

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And of course that's how she ended the interview! Ha! :) You can see how my grandma loves to talk about her memories, and always would mention little cute stories here and there. This interview really reminded me of all these years of listening to my grandma tell me stories about her past in signed English. I adored listening to her stories!

Vlog on 'Through Deaf Eyes'

2007-03-24T03:02:00.000-07:00

Ok i'll warn you guys first. If you have read my blog before you will already know that I grew up using SEE and still do today pretty much, i know a bit of ASL and really would love to make the leap from SEE to ASL, but it has been tough so far as i only have local hearing signing friends who don't understand ASL. Bah, heh. I can understand ASL but i have a tough time thinking in ASL and signing in ASL. This this video is pretty much signed in SEE, sloppy SEE at that one. My apologizes if you can't understand me, i would add subtitles but i have not figured that one out just yet but i will sooner than later!

This is my second vlog ever [i wont show the first one! It's horrible! Heh], so bear with me. There's a few times when i clearly stopped the webcam and started over again. I want to start doing vlogs more because it gives me the one place where i can work harder on adjusting to ASL and just basically signing to my fullest capacity which i don't get to do too often. Oh also the movie editing program i'm using apparently just plastered an ugly statement about how i need to purcahse the program on the video itself, bah. Sorry about that and the bad resolution :( Anybody have any suggestions for free movie editing programs?

Written English Translation:

Hi, I have been watching all the vlogs on DeafRead.com about 'Through Deaf Eyes'. I've enjoyed your opinions on the movie. I've seen many people saying how they want more vlogs, more vlogs. So i decided to go ahead and make a vlog. Really the reason why I have not made a vlog before is because I know my signing is not that good. I grew up using SEE, Signed Exact English. So, i'm a but uncomfortable with people watching me signing on a vlog because well you all are good at ASL and I am not, heh. But i'm working on it.

Moving on... I'll talk about the movie. I enjoyed it, I knew most of of the things that was on the movie because I have read many books on that topic. But i thought it was pretty good. Good for hearing people, or deaf people who do not know anything about the history of Deaf people and so on. But i do wish that they included more information about ASL, Bi/Bi education, Deaf Culture. Because that topic is not very well known in the hearing world. My friends are always surprised to know that there's such a thing as Deaf culture and culturally Deaf people or so on. So i thought it would be really important and was hoping that the movie would show more about that but there was not really, there was very little about that. I was dissapointed but ah...

I think they should have gone more in depth on many different topics, but still good for the people who are oblivious about those things. I'm very happy to see that on tv... and hope that there will be more in the future.

Things I wasn't happy about the movie... was that, you remember the part with the parents with the deaf boy? The deaf boy said that he was lucky to have parents who sign as some don't sign, as we all know... But i noticed how the parents did not sign in front of their child - sometimes they signed and sometimes they did not? I was puzzled/upset by that. But then i read on vlogs that there was an interpreter that was not shown on the tv. But still why did mom & dad decide to speak? What's the point? Why not show themselves signing all the time? Also i noticed how the father did not sign at all?

So I was generally happy with what I saw, i wish there was more but I'm satisfied... I know there's only so much you can put in two hours long movie so.. fine. I hope there will be more in the future and that it will be more in depth about ASL &amp;amp;amp; Deaf culture and things that are more specifically about deaf people who are culturally Deaf, with a captial Deaf.

Uhh, so I guess that's all. I will try to make more vlogs because i need the practice with ASL. I don't really have the chance to practice ASL that much, so this will be perfect for me... and please be patient with me heh. Okay... Hope you have a nice day, bye.

Your Thoughts on "The Mask of Benevolence"?

2006-12-17T23:44:00.000-08:00

I have recently FINALLY started to read "The Mask of Benevolence" by Harlan Lane. Ha yes I should have read this a long time ago, I guess I'm just behind on that sort of thing, but I'm catching up now! :)

I am not finished reading yet. I started like 3 days ago and am about 3/4 done? I'm really was curious what your thoughts are about this book? It is obviously slightly out of date when it comes to the views of the Deaf community. I felt that Lane painted a picture of how all Deaf people did not want to have implants or aids, which is obviously not the case, but I am aware that the community has become much more accepting about implants in the last decade. Also, i felt as if he made it seem that unless the deaf child was raised using ASL, the child would not be successful. He kept saying that the lucky 10 percent of the deaf people who have a good education are the lucky ones who grew up using ASL. I don't know how accurate that is, but obviously he has much more data than I do! But I know that I have met some oral deaf people and they are intelligent and got through school rather well even though they were taught orally. Same with deaf kids who grew up using Signed English [like myself]. Then there are the native ASL signers that I have met who are extremely intelligent as well! I think what is the real issue here though, as Lane also mentioned in one way or another, is that a child obviously needs some sort of language at home before the child starts school. Any sort of language is better than none, right? Another issue is that obviously if the child was raised for its first 5 years in ASL, and then ends up at a school that only teaches orally or in Signed English [and whatever else], the child is basically screwed for the first couple years as they struggle to convert from ASL to Signed English or oralism [if they ever succeed, i would imagine it's easier to convert from ASL to Signed English, than it would be to convert from ASL to oralism], and that in turn interrupts the education part of school. I was lucky in my case because I grew up using Signed English and then went to school using an interpreter who used Signed English so i did not have any problems when it came to adjusting from home to school.

I do however support ASL to be taught in school [deaf schools and mainstream via ASL interpreters], and do actually wish I was raised using ASL, but I wasn't. That's life, i don't hold any hard feelings against my mom for choosing Signed English over ASL. She at least wanted me to have a language [which was English obviously], and worked very hard on that. I'm very thankful to my mom, and even more so when i realize that there are parents out there who do not make the effort to communicate with their child, and just let the child spend it's first 5 years mostly language-less until it's time for school and figure that the school for the deaf can deal with the child. When i think about this, i feel very incredibly lucky to have a parent who cared!!

Back to the book, i also felt as if Lane was saying that being mainstreamed did not help the deaf child at all, and that they would not be able to be successful. I disagreed as I am a product of mainstreaming. It has it win and lose situations.. I had access to really good education, but i did not have full access to socialization. Which is most important? It's a tough one really, because socialization is so important to a child, it teaches the child a lot of things that will stick with them as they grow up. I strongly feel that my social anxiety is something that came from being mainstreamed. Although, obviously a deaf child would generally fail while being mainstreamed if they did not at least have an interpreter [or note-writer, CART and whatever, although i prefer interpreters by far, kind of curious about CART, never used that before]. I just felt that it was not completely accurate to declare that mainstreaming a deaf child was a bad thing. Reading through this book, i kind of felt that he did not mention people who grew up the way I did, and just focused on black and white, the successful ones who were schooled via ASL, and the unsuccessful ones who were not schooled via ASL. Where is the gray area?

I'm not finished yet so, we shall see what else i read! Overall, i am enjoying the book, it has a lot of information that i did not know or gave too much thought on, it's definitely good food for the brain. But I have to say i disagree with some of the things he writes about.

It has been interesting reflecting on how the hearing society in general tries to 'fix' deaf people. He definitely provides A LOT of information on this and it is actually refreshing to realize that Lane is a hearing person and yet thinks like this. Obviously implants do not 'fix' deaf people, and one can still be culturally Deaf and wear implants. I kind of felt as if Lane was saying that deaf people who wear implants and so on are a product of the audists attempt to fix deaf people and... that gives me a bad taste in the mouth... Because obviously we can think for ourselves, if we choose to have an implant, it's generally not because we're doing what 'they' want us to do, we're doing it because we want to. It's 2006, we have access to the internet, we can do our own research, we can think for ourselves, and if I ever get an implant, it's only because i want a little assistant in this world I live in, not because i am resorting and submitting to the 'audists'. It is a different story though, of course, for parents who discover they have a deaf baby and do not get access to every point of view. It is unfair for the audiologist to only refer to cochlear implants instead of saying that well, here's your options: you can implant your child, or you can have the child wear aids, and also you should talk to the Deaf community and get their views on what they think would be the best for the child. It is extremely important to have access to every point of view, and it is obvious that parents generally do not receive that, unless they ask for it.

I support implanting deaf babies by the way, if the parents want to do that, go for it. I am unsure if I would do that to my deaf child if i had one... BUT what i do not support, is raising an implanted baby with no sign language [ASL, BSL whatever your country's sign language is] at all. They say that it would 'stunt' the baby's progress, but I don't buy that. Look at all these hearing babies who learn 'baby signs' before they speak. They have no problems learning how to speak like a month or two after signing. My sister learned Signed English before she started to speak, and signing obviously did not interrupt her education and speech. Also i feel that it is very important for the implanted baby to have access to every form of communication: speech AND signing, it will only benefit the baby to have both, also to be FLUENT in sign language as well. That way the child gets to be a part of both worlds. That's the biggest injustice that is done to implanted children as far as I am concerned is that if the child does not successfully master the spoken language, the child will always feel somehow left out in one way or another, and would obviously not be able to be a part of the Deaf community either as the child does not know sign language at all and is in fact told to NOT learn how to sign. That is the injustice, it's not the cochlear implant itself, it's raising the implanted baby with no sign language or knowledge of and involvement in Deaf culture. If the implanted child has access to both spoken and signed language, i think the child will only benefit from that, the child would have access to both worlds.

Anyway, i got off track a bit there heh. I'll save the rest of my comments on this book for next time. I definitely could cover more topics, but this post is getting long enough!

I'm wondering what your views are on this book? Ramble away, feel free to disagree with what i wrote as well. I welcome all points of view. Let's be respectful of each other though okay?

Questions about what Deaf Culture Promotes

2006-12-16T13:48:00.000-08:00

It's no surprise that a lot of the people from the outside view the Deaf community as a community that wants to isolate themselves from the "outside world aka hearing world". Also some believe that the Deaf community in general are anti hearing aids and anti cochlear implants. They believe that Deaf culture promotes that type of thinking.

I really disagreed with that opinion. One, no matter how culturally Deaf you may be, you can never "escape" the hearing world. It is everywhere we look. The grocery store. The bus driver. The workplace. Our families. Our friends. I do not support the idea of rejecting hearing people from my circle. Some may prefer to hang out with Deaf people more, and that is simply because it requires much less effort and i can't blame them. With a non-signing hearing person, we have to stop and write [unless we're oral of course], while that is fun and all, it's not the same as to just turn to a signing person and sign away, laugh at the same time and so on. Imagine, if you were surrounded by people who could not speak and you had to write to them all the time, you would feel a sense of comfort and relief when you find someone that can speak and hear just like you because you can just relax and converse effortlessly.

The concept that we are trying to isolate ourselves from the hearing world is just downright ludicrous, because it is impossible. Period. A deaf community is a community where D/deaf people seek others who can communicate the way they do. It's natural to have an urge to find someone who talks in the language that you do. If we are isolating ourselves from the "outside world" simply because we seek others who sign. Then according to that theory, every single other community out there is rejecting the outside community. The GLBT community rejects the straight community and so on. Is that true? No. But yes some GLBT people do prefer to only hang out with other GLBT people because there's a mutual understanding, just like how some D/deaf people prefer to only hang out with other D/deaf people. But is that how the majority acts and thinks? No.

The concept that the majority of the D/deaf community are anti-hearing aids and anti-cochlear implants is also incorrect if you ask me. Most of the deaf people [deaf and Deaf] I have know through-out my life have worn hearing aids. The Deaf girl who taught me ASL and was one of the most culturally Deaf person I have known as a child, wore her hearing aids ALL the time, she adored her aids while I barely wore mine. The Deaf woman who re-introduced me to the deaf world and opened my path toward Deaf culture and the Deaf identity, has a cochlear implant. When i went to Burnaby South, which is a public school with a program for the deaf, where you have the choice of studying some subjects in a hearing class or in a deaf class. There was about 50 deaf students, and most of them wore hearing aids. Then back at the dorm where there were kids from kindergarten up to last year of high school, most wore hearing aids. There were a few who had implants but back then it was not that common yet. Now there's MUCH more D/deaf people who have cochlear implants.

YES there are indeed some people who are anti-aids or anti-cochlear implants. But the reality is that the ones who wear them or are at least accepting of others who wear them, outnumbers the ones who don't. Just like how in pretty much every other culture or community out there. Also the good thing is that a lot of people have been trying to open the elitists eyes up by using the term Deafhood. To show them that by pointing at each other and saying you're not culturally Deaf, or you are a traitor to the community by wearing aids, we are just dragging each other down [or pushing them down while we climb upwards] and painting a bad picture of the community. These people are doing damage to the community's reputation without even realizing it. The term Deafhood and promoting awareness of the term 'crab theory', more of these people are starting to realize their errors. That's a great thing! Hopefully within time there will be less people who are like that.

I want to ask you, readers, to comment to my entry.

Do you wear aids or implants?
Are you accepting of others who wear aids and implants?
Do you think one can be culturally Deaf and yet wear aids or implants?
Do you think that Deaf culture promotes isolation and anti-hearing/aids/implants?
Do you think that the anti-hearing/aids/implants Deaf people outnumbers the accepting Deaf people in the community?

Please share your opinions. I will forward them to the people I have been talking to on this topic. Thank you!

My Perfect World

2006-12-06T00:48:00.000-08:00

You know what would this world a much nicer place for me? Sure peace would be wonderful. No more poverty would be fantastic. The whole money system disappearing [think Star Trek - money does not exist!]. All forms of 'ism [racism, sexism, audism, etc] disappearing as nobody practises it anymore... All that would make a beautiful world. But it still wouldn't be perfect.

What would complete it, is if everybody signed. If everybody in Canada/USA signed in ASL. If everybody in France signed in LSF. If everybody in the UK signed in BSL. I don't mean that speech should be removed, no... but it would be so.. mindblowing amazing if everybody understood and could sign in their country's sign language. Deaf people could do so much more in this world if everybody understood sign language. We could become actors and actresses just as easily as hearing people. We could become tv reporters. We could be policemen. We could be doctors. We could be vets. We could do literally anything in this world [not to say we cannot, it is simply harder for us to do so as the majority cannot understand us in our language, and do not want to learn to understand in most situations].

It's nice to think that we can do anything except hear [that statement is silly anyway because most deaf people still can hear a bit, it's rare when i meet a deaf person who cannot hear one single thing no matter how loud it is] ... but due to how much speech rules Earth... It is a struggle for Deaf people to aspire to be something like a doctor. Or a policeman. Or a teacher [other than teaching the Deaf or teaching ASL].. and so on. We try and some of us DO make it and it's a very proud moment... and I hope every one of us will keep trying even though many people will tell us it cannot be done.

In my perfect world, everybody would sign... but i know at this point, that is an impossible dream. Will it ever become reality? Definitely not in my lifetime.. or the next generation, or the one after that. Maybe in the Star Trek generation [lol] people will sign.

One thing that really upsets me, is that fad where parents teach their hearing baby how to sign 'milk' and so on, and then as soon as they start speaking, they drop the sign language. WHY?!?! Why do you do that? I am literally begging you, please, KEEP TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN HOW TO SIGN! Who cares if you don't have a d/Deaf person in your life.. your child may someday. By teaching your child and promoting ASL, you are making this world just a wee bit easier for us. Imagine, if every parent did not drop sign language as soon as their child hits one year old, and kept signing instead. This new generation of children would be able to speak AND sign. That would be one step closer to my dream coming true. You may call me delusional. Idealistic. Hopelessly hopeful... but can you blame me? Can you imagine the sadness and frustration i experience every time i see a baby learn how to say milk and then forget it in a year. Why? Oh no point.. No d/Deaf person in the family or circle of friends, or I just wanted to see if the baby could sign before he/she could speak and well he/she is speaking now so what's the point? ARGH!

So if you have a child, or plan on raising a child in the future... I beg you, teach them how to sign, AND KEEP AT IT. Even if you do not plan on having a child, go take an ASL course yourselves, learn it. Sign. Keep it up... and do not forget what you learned! Please.

Unite - Unity

Confessions of a Deaf Girl Who Had an Audistic Attitude

2006-11-06T01:48:00.000-08:00

As a young child, I had this good friend, I'll call her Carol. She was deaf, like me, and signed in mostly SEE [Signed Exact English]. However, her writing skills among other skills were severely challenged due to a learning/memory disability. She had a hard time even remembering me if she did not see me for a while. I remember in grade one when we both returned to school. I greeted Carol like nothing changed and she looked at me blankly, and then signed to her mother, "Who's that?" She explained to Carol that I'm that girl who would come to her house and play with her. She then smiled and gave me a hug, I don’t know if she really remembered me or not but, that didn't matter. We were still the friends I knew and loved. I will confess though, that I was not always the best friend. Carol also was bald, and wore a wig. I would occasionally snatch the wig off while everyone laughed at her . . . She would laugh along with us. I was only six years old but I feel horrible about that now.

Later, I was mainstreamed, and was the only deaf girl at school and did not have any d/Deaf friends outside of school until I met Anna during the summer after grade four. I remember meeting her at the 'Hands On' day camp for the Deaf. I was instantly enthralled by this girl. She signed beautifully, and was so expressive. I could not understand her very well because she communicates in ASL [American Sign Language] but we seemed to bond right away. Immediately, I stared to sleep over at her house during weekends. I slowly began to understand her without any problems and she taught me how to sign in ASL. Before her, I barely even knew that ASL existed. She was the first Deaf girl I befriended who was truly Deaf in every way, very involved in the Deaf community, had a Deaf parent, and was strongly fluent in ASL. I adored this girl, and she was my best friend.

After a while, I noticed that her writing skills were very bad, we were in the same grade at separate schools. So I often would bring homework to her house during the weekends. I would look at her homework and notice that the things she was learning were at least two grades behind mine. I did not really understand why it was like that, as Anna seemed to be a very intelligent girl to me. When Anna needed help for homework, she would come to me instead of her mother, and I wondered why. Eventually I noticed how Anna's mother would often ask that I help Anna with the homework. I tried to help Anna but I’ll admit, sometimes I got impatient and just did the homework for her so we could go play! I did not care that she was grades behind, I still considered her one of the most interesting people I have met. I often would communicate for her to the hearing people who were not ASL signers, I would act as the middle person, often writing what she said to the hearing person who could not sign.

I remember one day I came to stay with Anna for a weekend. I just learned about the process of oxygen and carbon dioxide, and was very excited about it. I decided that Anna had to learn about it too, so I sat Anna down. I told her that I learned something very interesting in school. I explained system to her in [flawed] ASL [keep in mind I am translating this into written English]:

Zoee: We all breathe air right? But there are two types, one that humans and animals inhale and one other that plants inhales.

Anna: *nods* [note: Anna did not know that there were two types]

Zoee: Humans and animals inhale oxygen [I formed circles with my hands to represent oxygen], and then we exhale something else out which is Carbon Dioxide [I then formed flat circles to represent Carbon Dioxide] . . . Now where do the flat circles go? Plants! They inhale the flat circles and then exhale circles again!

Anna: *nodding rapidly, understanding*

Zoee: So this is why we need plants, if there are no more plants. What will we do? We will have no more circles! Also the plants need us, because without us, there are no more flat circles!

Anna understood right away and then went to tell her mother about it. I wont say that the mother did not work hard with Anna at all as she may have when I was not around but, I wondered to myself why the mother did not tell Anna about this already? The mother definitely already knew about this. I could see that Anna was intelligent enough to understand anything as long as it was signed to her. I don’t know if she had a learning disability that made it difficult for her to write and read, but she definitely had no problems understanding things via ASL. I honestly think the responsibility falls on the parent and the schools that Anna attended and they clearly failed her.

Anna moved far away in the seventh grade. I went on and made a few d/Deaf friends in grade eight when I attended a school that had a program for the deaf. Some were able to read and write with no problems, and some had difficulties. Anyway after grade eight, I returned back to my usual life where I interacted with only hearing people most of the time due to the fact that I returned to a school where I was the only deaf student.

Somehow, during this time, my attitude toward d/Deaf people who could not read or write well, changed. I started to look at d/Deaf people and refusing to be friends with anyone who I did not feel that was at least as smart or almost as smart as me [smarter was even better]. I avoided people . . . I even avoided Anna when she moved back to my hometown when I was a teenager. I am sure I hurt her feelings, and I feel quite bad about that now. However, at that time, I was very idealistic and stubborn. I repeatedly told myself, if this person cannot read or write that well, how can this person even begin to converse with me about issues that I am passionate about?

I was a part of the hearing world, and I expected them to meet the expectations I had for my fellow hearing friends, who had to write to me in order to eventually learn how to sign in SEE. I carried this attitude for years. I actually began to realize my errors recently, when I pondered on how there are Deaf people who would choose to not accept me as a part of their world because my ASL is obviously very flawed. If it was wrong for them to not accept me because I was unable to sign in their language, then how could it be right for me to not accept them because they cannot write the way I do? If one does research, they will see that ASL was never supposed to be based on written and/or spoken English, so it would be unfair to even attempt to compare English to ASL. However, I must make this clear so there are no misconceptions. ASL does not mean one would be bad at writing in English. Many native ASL signers are one of the most brilliant people I have ever known, and would make me feel embarrassed of my writing skills. It's really an issue about the parents and school system that did not push the child hard enough to succeed.

Another thing that made me realize how wrong I was to do this, was the discovery of the term ‘Deafhood’ and ‘Crab Theory’. I was pushing my own people down because I thought I was better than they were because I could read and write better. What good comes from this? Nothing. I was doing nothing except hurting the Deaf community by choosing to behave this way and my actions would then reflect onto my hearing friends who knew nothing about the deaf community and Deaf culture. They would see that I dismissed any Deaf individual who did not have good writing skills, and then in turn, behave the same way. I was doing serious damage to my own community and people. Deafhood taught me that we all are deaf, and we all came from different backgrounds, and that we need to help each other. Encourage each other to succeed.

While thinking about all this, I began to recall moments where hearing people would look down at me because my writing skills did not match theirs. As a child, I definitely made many errors while writing. My journal from grade five was just terrible. I remember how much it hurt me to know they thought I was stupid because I was unable to write as well as they could and that it took me a bit longer to realize how to spell certain words and how the English grammar system worked. Even to this very day, I still make grammar mistakes [I bet you can find several here!!], and use certain words too often, which would make English elitists want to vomit all over me. So how dare I pass judgement on others when I am obviously not that perfect either?

I was an audist in a way without even realizing it. I apologize to everybody that I may have hurt because of my actions. I don’t expect forgiveness. I am simply happy that my eyes are finally open.

A Deaf Elf's Thoughts on the Term 'Deafhood'

2006-11-03T04:17:00.000-08:00

I just wrote an article on the term 'Deafhood', it's more about my life as a d/Deaf person and what Deafhood means to me so far. It's non-exclusive so i can post it here...

A Deaf Girl's Thoughts on the Term 'Deafhood'

A new term in the Deaf culture is 'Deafhood'. I have just recently discovered it myself, and was completely clueless as to what the meaning was. From my knowledge, the term 'Deafhood' comes from a book called 'Understanding Deaf Culture: In Search of Deafhood' which was written by Paddy Ladd. Ever since this book was published, the term has been spreading through the Deaf community. Once I discovered the term and read about it. I had to sit back and think to myself. What does Deafhood mean to me? In order to figure that out, i have to look back to my experiences while growing up.

As a child, I grew up in a hearing world most of the time. My entire family was hearing, with the exception of my grandma, who was hard of hearing. Although she did attend a Deaf school when she was a child, she can speak and lipread pretty well. I was very lucky to have a family who, while were hearing, encouraged and accepted sign language. I was raised using Signing Exact English (SEE2). I attended this preschool for the disabled which had a class for the Deaf. Then for kindergarten and grade one, I attended this small school that mixed hearing students with Deaf students in equal numbers and the hearing students knew how to sign. The teachers taught in SEE2. Most of the hearing children's parents were interpreters or Deaf. During this time, I began taking speech therapy at school. I don't recall too much about this except having to read Cinderella out loud with this huge microphone in my hand. However, my mom was very concerned about the quality of education I was receiving and decided to transfer me to a public school where I was the only Deaf student among a thousand hearing students or so.

At such a young age, I didn't think about how I was Deaf, or how it affected the people around me. I was Deaf. I was proud to be Deaf. I would tell people I did not want a cochlear implant because I loved being Deaf. I did not feel afraid about being at a school where I was the only Deaf student. I taught my classmates how to sign. Granted, I did receive some really silly questions, the infamous one would be where a classmate asked me through my interpreter "Do you know you have hiccups?", I simply answered "Yes . . . I feel the hiccups." I made friends very easily. The girls would flock around me, wanting to learn how to sign. The boys would be the difficult ones to befriend. I moved from school to school several times, and I was always the only Deaf student. I started to get tired of having to leave my class to do speech therapy, and decided to quit after grade three.

I did not really have any close Deaf friends until the summer of my fourth grade when I attended this ‘Hands-On' day camp for the Deaf. There, I met Anna [name is changed to protect her identity], a Deaf girl who was strongly fluent in ASL. At first we had a hard time understanding each other, but I slowly adapted to ASL. I recall so many nights where we'd have a sleep over and I would be enthralled by all the stories she would tell me in ASL. Anna attended a school that had a program for the Deaf and she would stay in a dorm during the weekdays and then fly back home during weekends. I would always run over to her house after school on Friday and spend the entire weekend with her. I discovered that her writing skills were so great and would often help her with homework and take the time to explain certain things to her. The mother would even ask me to go help Anna with homework. Anna was my first and only Deaf best friend.

As I entered my pre-teenage years. Ah yes, puberty, don't we all love that time of our lives! I started to rely on communication more than just playing with my classmates. It was then, when I started to notice the lack of communication I had with most of my friends. I had to rely on my hearing best friend to interpret for me. I started to feel isolated and lonely for the first time in my life. I felt different, which was something I never really experienced before. By then, Anna moved away, so I had no Deaf friends anymore. In my seventh grade, I decided that for next year, I wanted to attend the high school that had a program for the Deaf, which had about maybe fifty Deaf students or so. I begged, I cried, I demanded my mom to allow me to attend. It was a stretch as I would have to fly there every Sunday and back home every Friday. But she said yes!

Eighth grade was the experience of a lifetime. I stayed at a dorm for the Deaf and got to interact with more Deaf children than I ever had the opportunity to beforehand. I had my first short-lived Deaf boyfriend. I had several close Deaf friends. I had crushes on Deaf boys and flirted with them. I attended Deaf events where cute boys would ask me to dance with them. I got to really interact in group discussions/conversations for the first time in my life. However, I will note that at first a good number of the students could not understand me as I still was not very good at ASL. I still remember this one experience where I was telling a story about something, to two girls. One was nodding and the other looked confused and when I finished. The confused girl turned to the other girl and said "I didn't understand?" So the girl then translated what I said in fluent ASL. My ASL definitely improved but I don't think I ever became 100 percent fluent at all.

By the end of grade eight though, I got tired of flying back and forth, so I decided to transfer back to a local public school. Once again, I was the only Deaf student, and this time, things were a lot different. I was a teenager. You know teenagers, we all want to feel like we belong. I rebelled like most teenagers do, but usually there's a group for every type of teenagers, the popular kids, the jocks, the art kids, the band kids, the geeks, the druggies and so on. I had friends in a few of these circles but I never really felt like I was truly a part of any group as most of the people did not talk to me. They acknowledged me. They waved ‘hi' and ‘bye' to me. Maybe the occasional note. But mostly I spend time only talking to my best friend[s].

During this time, there was a lack of interpreters and in grade nine, I spent most of the year with several interpreters and when there was no interpreter, I had a note taker. There was even times when I had no note taker and I'd sit in the class and wonder why I was even there? What was the point? The worst thing was that the teachers did not seem to recognize that this was a problem, they still expected me to understand what was going on, even though I had very little lip reading skills. This year was very frustrating and I started to become prone to skipping school. My personality drastically changed. I started to feel embarrassed to be deaf. I would get anxious when my friends would say "Oh she's deaf" to strangers who would try to talk to me. I did not want to be seen as different. I wanted to be the same as my friends. I wanted to hear and speak, more than anything else. I'd feel more and more lost during group gatherings and so alienated to the point where I just gave up on socializing altogether.

I struggled with this feeling for years and still do to a small extent deep inside. The feeling that it was somehow a bad thing to be noticed as a deaf person. I knew it was not bad but I could not help but to feel embarrassed, and anxious around new people. I did not want to attract attention toward me at all. There were many times where I would stop signing when a person I did not know, stepped into the room, as I did not want them to notice me.

Fast-forward to when I was twenty-three years old, I finally met a Deaf girl that I knew for a while online. Through her, I also met a Deaf boy with a cochlear implant, who lived close by. I started to occasionally spend time with the two whenever the opportunity arose. Once again after a long time, I was able to be around Deaf people on a fairly regular basis. I forgot how much I enjoyed signing in ASL, granted, I know my ASL is quite flawed, it still felt amazing nonetheless. I remember a day where this girl and boy and I spent some time together and I was hit with this giddy feeling. I just felt so happy to be understood effortlessly, and to have a group conversation for once. It was like a wonderful drug.

Now I have moved away and once again do not have any local Deaf friends, but I hope that will change soon! However, I stay in touch with my Deaf friends on the internet. Then the Gallaudet protest started, and for the first time in a really long time, I felt an urge to get involved with the Deaf community. During the protest, I learned a lot of things about the Deaf community and the culture that I was just so painfully oblivious to. It is correct, when people say that the protest has truly united a great number of d/Deaf individuals, as I am one of these individuals who just floated around in this world with no strong connection to the Deaf culture and community. Right now, I feel like I am a part of the community, and have the urge to learn as much as I possibly can about the Deaf culture, and to finally become fluent in ASL.

Now, with all that said. My entire life story, really. I will go back to the term ‘Deafhood'. What does Deafhood mean to me? I like to think it is about each d/Deaf person's experience of growing, discovering, and accepting who they are, as a d/Deaf individual. It also is about accepting other d/Deaf people and realizing that we are all deaf with very diverse backgrounds. Some of us grew up oral, used SEE/SEE2/LOVE/CASE/etc, used ASL, or various other sign languages. Some of us came from a fully hearing family, or a family that has many generations of Deaf relatives. Some of us had full access to good education and some did not. Some of us have good writing skills and other do not. Some of us were born d/Deaf and some became d/Deaf later on in their lives. Some use deaf, and some of us use Deaf. Some of us choose to not get cochlear implants, and some do. We are of all different colors in this world, religious beliefs, sexual preferences, and gender identities. It is about acceptance, helping each other, and being united. We cannot judge or push/pull each other down because of their choices as a d/Deaf person, instead, we have to accept, support, and encourage the person to succeed. Only then, will we be truly united. Have I truly embraced my Deafhood? I think I still have some work to do, but one day I hope to be, once again, that little elf who fully embraced the fact that ze was Deaf without question or shame.

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Soon to come : Confessions of a Deaf Girl Who Had an Audistic Attitude
such as: judging others based on their English writing skills

Audism

2006-10-27T15:15:00.000-07:00

I was reading on audism and came across this great page on audism. Go there if you are clueless about what audism means, it is just as important as racism, sexism, ageism, and every single other "ism' out there.

Anyway, while reading through that page, i saw a image that hit me right in the heart...

Family Dog [art done by this brillant painter: Dupor Art Gallery]
Did you know that there is such a term in the deaf community called “The Family Dog”? No, it doesn’t mean literally the family dog. It is a term to describe a deaf person that is left out to the point that their attention and treatment is comparable to how they’d treat a dog. Many deaf people, when at their hearing relatives’ houses, hearing friends, or a public gathering with hearing people, deaf people are left out- forcing the deaf person to entertain themselves somehow. Many deaf people would look at the ceilings, the wall, study people and try to understand them, or they would make best friends with the household pet. The very act of leaving your deaf relative or friend out is audism at its best.

Ouch, yes. So true. I know most people don't do this on purpose, they just feel as if they have no other choice... But some people don't even try. Nowadays i don't even allow myself to associate myself with these people and only hang out with people who actually give a fuck and attempt to include me as much as possible, which can be hard if they are not fluent, and actually write to me and carry out a conversation, even written is better than nothing. But i do end up being around some people who do act as if they like me but don't try to really talk to me, probably because they are unsure how to or nervous and i'll admit, i get nervous too, i don't want to be seen as "different", or to draw any attention in front of a group of people who are not MY FRIENDS. During my teenage years, i was constantly with people who merely acknowledged me but did not say anything more than a nod when i came and another nod when i left. What's even worse, these people would come to MY HOUSE, sit in MY BEDROOM, and not talk to me the entire time and talk to other people there. Um excuse me, go do this outside of my fucking house. Hah. Many of these days were spent sitting there wondering why the fuck i was even there, and yeah five minutes here and there my friend would turn to tell me the gist of the conversation "We're talking about cars.. drugs.. work.." Oh yes, that makes being here soooo worthwhile alright.... Then people started to wonder why i stopped leaving my house to spend time with these people.. Gee, wonder why....? I ended up stopping doing all group social things and only having one on one outings. Usually i can tolerate group outings when we do something active, something that will have lots of distractions for me. There's nothing i hate more than just sitting down in a room, with no tv or anything, among a bunch of non-signers. It's soooo boring. Even when i am able to talk to my friend or my boyfriend here and there, there is quite a good amount of time where i am just sitting there while everyone talks. Boooooring. Even to this day it's hard for me to do group outings. I tend to leave feeling kind of depressed. Not always but there is usually a point of the outing where i feel kind left out and hate it. This is not all oh woe is me but frankly it sucks. Sorry. I just want to be around a group of people and be able to understand everybody all the time and laugh along with the group and have discussions about everything under the sky... Is that too much to ask for?

Yes, i often befriended the house pets and think to myself "You and me buddy..." I always felt that i could connect with animals more because they, like me, could not understand the people.

In fact, i really do feel that i would not have social anxiety if i was able to communicate and understand people. Maybe i'm wrong but i really strongly suspect this.

It hurts. But what can you do. This will always be our reality because the entire population will never learn how to sign and that's just the way it is, unfortunately.. and NO matter how hard you try, you can never fully involve me in your world, because not everybody will sign. Also even the ones who know how to sign will not sign all the time when they are around hearing people, they will choose to speak and forget to sign and leave me out of the conversation. That happens way more often than not. The only escape is simple, to hang out with deaf people instead of hearing people, and with the occasional hearing person who can sign fluently. Every boyfriend i have, always says "Oh i will involve you, i will interprete every single word that is said" and i smile, but i know that will never happen because it's nearly impossible [i know it would be impossible for ME to include you in every signed conversation] and i am always proved to be right. No hard feelings, it's just the way it is.

A summary of my History as a Deaf person.

2006-04-24T21:57:00.000-07:00

I was born deaf as far as we know, my mom didn't realize that I was deaf until I was almost one year old. As the story goes, she noticed how I would respond to her whenever she stomped her foot, instead of when she would call my name out. My entire family is hearing, with the exception of my grandma who called herself hard of hearing most of her life and communicates orally with the exception when she is around me, or with signing Deaf friends.

My mom decided to raise me using Signing Exact English (SEE2), although the first dictionary she took home after she found out that I was deaf, was called Joy of Signed English. My mom was determined that I would grow up to have good English skills and that I would receive excellent education in school. Thus she always kept a very close eye on the progress I was making at school. She first enrolled me into a preschool for the disabled, I belonged to the deaf class but of course. Then i moved to a new school for kindergarten and grade 1. This school was interesting and very small, it was quite experimental, where the teachers taught in SEE2, even though there was an even number of hearing students alongside the deaf students. Most of the hearing students were children of Deaf adults or interpreters. However, my mom was not satisfied with the education I was receiving there, and moved me to a public school. I had a SEE2 interpreter, and was the only deaf student at the public school.

That was the beginning of my long history of being the only deaf student at various public schools. I honestly don't really remember having much of a hard time at first with the experience of being the only deaf student. But as I got older, the harder it became for me, and by the time I was in high school, it was very tough. I can't say that it was a bad decision of my mom to send me to a public school, because who knows who I would be if I didn't grow up the way I was, and I also did make the choice to go back to my local public school after experiencing a mainstream program for the deaf in grade 8 where i had to stay at a dorm, away from my family on the weekdays. I learned so much from being able to socialize with deaf classmates during that time and learned ASL, although most of what I learned has been forgotten by now. It just was too difficult for me to stay at a dorm and being away from my family. I'm a very "family-orientated" person I suppose. Today, I would say that I wish i stayed at the mainstream program, because i think I would be more outgoing instead of shy and anxious, which i strongly believe was manifested by growing up [especially as a teenager] being surrounded by only hearing people, most that couldn't or wouldn't sign. But the past is the past, no use to dwell on that, better to look forward. I am thankful for everything my mom did, she tried her best to give me access to good education, language skills, and generally just wanted me to be a happy child, i think she did a good job. Sure there's some things she could have done differently, such as raising me using ASL, but she did what she thought was right at that time, and I'm grateful that I had a mother who loved to sign, and always encouraged my family members to sign, even if they were not taking to me, so i could always stay involved in conversations.

For most of my life, I have lived in the hearing world, aka EARth, having very little contact with other Deaf people. I had very little knowledge about Deaf culture, ASL, and most especially about the history of Deaf people. In the past few years i befriended several Deaf friends that I would get to see from time to time, not often enough due to distance, but thanks to the internet I was able to stay in touch. Thanks to one Deaf friend of mine, who posted about the Unity for Gallaudet protest, after reading her posts, i started to investigate. I found myself becoming more and more passionate about the protest, and naturally learning a lot about ASL, and Deaf culture. This blog is, i suppose you could say, about my journey into Deafhood.

For more in depth information, please go to the next few links:

A Deaf Girl's Thoughts on the Term 'Deafhood'
Confessions of a Deaf Girl Who Had an Audistic Attitude