Anyway, while reading through that page, i saw a image that hit me right in the heart...
Family Dog [art done by this brillant painter: Dupor Art Gallery]
Did you know that there is such a term in the deaf community called “The Family Dog”? No, it doesn’t mean literally the family dog. It is a term to describe a deaf person that is left out to the point that their attention and treatment is comparable to how they’d treat a dog. Many deaf people, when at their hearing relatives’ houses, hearing friends, or a public gathering with hearing people, deaf people are left out- forcing the deaf person to entertain themselves somehow. Many deaf people would look at the ceilings, the wall, study people and try to understand them, or they would make best friends with the household pet. The very act of leaving your deaf relative or friend out is audism at its best.
Ouch, yes. So true. I know most people don't do this on purpose, they just feel as if they have no other choice... But some people don't even try. Nowadays i don't even allow myself to associate myself with these people and only hang out with people who actually give a fuck and attempt to include me as much as possible, which can be hard if they are not fluent, and actually write to me and carry out a conversation, even written is better than nothing. But i do end up being around some people who do act as if they like me but don't try to really talk to me, probably because they are unsure how to or nervous and i'll admit, i get nervous too, i don't want to be seen as "different", or to draw any attention in front of a group of people who are not MY FRIENDS. During my teenage years, i was constantly with people who merely acknowledged me but did not say anything more than a nod when i came and another nod when i left. What's even worse, these people would come to MY HOUSE, sit in MY BEDROOM, and not talk to me the entire time and talk to other people there. Um excuse me, go do this outside of my fucking house. Hah. Many of these days were spent sitting there wondering why the fuck i was even there, and yeah five minutes here and there my friend would turn to tell me the gist of the conversation "We're talking about cars.. drugs.. work.." Oh yes, that makes being here soooo worthwhile alright.... Then people started to wonder why i stopped leaving my house to spend time with these people.. Gee, wonder why....? I ended up stopping doing all group social things and only having one on one outings. Usually i can tolerate group outings when we do something active, something that will have lots of distractions for me. There's nothing i hate more than just sitting down in a room, with no tv or anything, among a bunch of non-signers. It's soooo boring. Even when i am able to talk to my friend or my boyfriend here and there, there is quite a good amount of time where i am just sitting there while everyone talks. Boooooring. Even to this day it's hard for me to do group outings. I tend to leave feeling kind of depressed. Not always but there is usually a point of the outing where i feel kind left out and hate it. This is not all oh woe is me but frankly it sucks. Sorry. I just want to be around a group of people and be able to understand everybody all the time and laugh along with the group and have discussions about everything under the sky... Is that too much to ask for?
Yes, i often befriended the house pets and think to myself "You and me buddy..." I always felt that i could connect with animals more because they, like me, could not understand the people.
In fact, i really do feel that i would not have social anxiety if i was able to communicate and understand people. Maybe i'm wrong but i really strongly suspect this.
It hurts. But what can you do. This will always be our reality because the entire population will never learn how to sign and that's just the way it is, unfortunately.. and NO matter how hard you try, you can never fully involve me in your world, because not everybody will sign. Also even the ones who know how to sign will not sign all the time when they are around hearing people, they will choose to speak and forget to sign and leave me out of the conversation. That happens way more often than not. The only escape is simple, to hang out with deaf people instead of hearing people, and with the occasional hearing person who can sign fluently. Every boyfriend i have, always says "Oh i will involve you, i will interprete every single word that is said" and i smile, but i know that will never happen because it's nearly impossible [i know it would be impossible for ME to include you in every signed conversation] and i am always proved to be right. No hard feelings, it's just the way it is.
